Girl with a broken halo
by J1ESSICA
Summary: **PREVIOUSLY NAMED UNTITLED** Caskett pairing. What do you do when your past comes back to haunt you, do what your trained to do and catch a killer, or keep secrets and protect yourself from what people might think? Changed the rating to M!
1. Chapter 1

"Hey, having only recently discovered Castle, I have watched a lot of the later and I am not watching the first couple of series, so if the characters aren't 100% then I do apologise. As I am in the UK my America geography is rubbish so if I make any mistakes please tell me

Disclaimer: I don't own Castle, or any of the characters in this story

I'm not sure where I am going with this story yet, though I do have a basic idea so bear with me. The first couple of chapters might be a bit boring but it will get more exciting as we get into the story. The bits in italics are flashbacks. Any mistakes made are mine. Thanks for reading

Part 1

And there it was again, that cheeky grin waiting for her as she entered the precinct. She looked away, avoiding his eyes as she smiled to herself, just as she did everyday, pleased that he was there. It hadn't even been a week since they had shared an amazing first kiss, first night together and the novelty was yet to wear off. Hiding there romance hadn't been easy since all they wanted to do was to be with each other every single minute of every single day but had decided they wanted to keep it to themselves whilst it was all still new.

"Morning castle" she greeted as she dropped a pile of paperwork onto her desk, and picked up the coffee he brought her on a daily basis.

"Ah detective Beckett so very nice of you to join us" he replied, that grin getting even bigger. He was happy she was there, they hadn't seen each other the night before and truth be told, he'd missed her a little more than he should have done.

She smiled back at him, finally meeting his eyes as she sat down. They held each others gaze for no more than a few seconds before looking away again avoiding drawing attention to themselves. They each had their own reasons for wanting to keep their relationship a secret none more important than the rest. For castle, his main reason was a purely selfish one, he wanted her all to himself and he was enjoying all the sneaking around and trying not to get caught, it added more excitement to the relationship. Then he had to think about Alexis and his mother. He new they deserved to know what was going on, especially Alexis but he wanted to make sure it was serious and he new where it was going before he brought her into it. Kate on the other hand had more personal reasons, and the main one was simply the fact that she wanted to keep her personal life personal. It had taken her years to admit to herself that she liked Castle, even longer to admit it to him and she wasn't sure if she was ready to admit it to anyone else yet. Talking about things, especially her feelings wasn't her strong point, and apart from in her therapy sessions she rarely did ever talk to anyone else about them so you could say it was a new experience for her. What she actually felt for Castle scared her, she had had serious boyfriends before and never felt like this yet here she was barely a week into their relationship and she was pretty sure she was more in love than she should be at this stage.

"Any updates?" she asked Ryan and Esposito as they walked past, laughing about something.

Nothing yet" Ryan replied, breaking off whatever conversation him and Espo were having.

"There's nothing in her phone records or financials to indicate that anything was wrong."

"And when I spoke to the family they didn't know anything either, said they thought everything was normal, she'd been acting ok and getting in touch as much as usual."

"Ok guys, good work, lets keep digging, figure out what our victim was up to in the few hours leading up to her death. Me and Castle will go back to her apartment, see if we missed anything." Beckett replied standing up from her recently occupied chair, ready to head off again, Castle right behind her secretly hoping for a cheeky kiss in the elevator.

The day before they'd been called out to the murder of a young girl, who by all accounts didn't have a bad bone in her body and would never have made anyone hate her enough to do this. She'd been found in her apartment will a bullet wound to her chest which looked like it had been made by a 30 calibre. The crime scene had been wiped clean and there was only her fingerprints throughout the rest of the apartment. The killer had been careful to cover his tracks, clearly knowing what he was doing, and knowing he'd have enough time to clean up after himself without being disturbed. She must have known her killer as there was no signs of forced entry, yet her family didn't seem to think she had any friends apparently she was always by herself either working or studying. She was studying phycology and was hoping to become a councillor one day, whilst working as a waitress to pay off her tuition fee's. As far as they could see she was just a normal girl with a normal life, well maybe a little odd since she didn't seem to have any friends but Kate was the first to understand why she might not have wanted to get too close to other people. It didn't add up though that she trusted the killer enough to let him or her into her apartment when they couldn't find any evidence that she even talked to anyone outside of work and school. This however is what they were hoping to get some answers about in the next few hours of their investigation.

...

"Hey Lanie" Kate greeted as they walked into the morgue. They had decided to stop off and see her on the way to the vic's apartment.

"Kate, Castle" she replied not looking up from the papers she was reading. Silence then filled the room for a moment before she started filling them in on what she had found. "It was definitely a 30 calibre that killed her and she definitely new her killer as there were no indications of a struggle on her body and all the tests came back clean. I can tell you though that she had sex not long before she died."

""Rape?" Kate asked, not really wanting to know the answer

"I doubt it, there were no bruises on the body, and no signs of tearing or bleeding down there. I can tell you though that either our girl had a very high sex drive or she was a prostitute, and I've never met anyone that gets as much as she has in the past few days.

"So our sensible college student seems to have a secret life in which she sells herself for sex. A few more twists and turns and this could be the start of a great story" Castle interrupted, losing himself in his imagination thinking of all the possibilities of where he could go with something like this. He'd never written about a prostitute or the sex industry, and it seemed a good move for the next book in the Nikki Heat series.

"Can you get any DNA off her or anything to tell us who she might have been with in the few days before her death?" Kate asked, choosing to ignore Castles comment and carry on with their conversation.

"Nothing, they all used a condom, and there wasn't anything on her body. I'm guessing she washed away any evidence when she had a shower, but whoever she was with just before she died was careful not to leave any trace of him behind, though I did find this" she indicated she wanted to show Kate something. "Castle look away, I'd like to think I at least helped keep this girls dignity, at least what she has left of it anyway.

"Lanie lifted the sheet up to show Kate a fairly recent tattoo she had found on the girl just below her bikini line. It was of a little tribal butterfly, just a black outline and it was only small but Kate didn't even need to see it all before she tensed up which didn't go unnoticed by the other two people in the room. Kate had recognised that tattoo, and she was glad Castle hadn't seen it as he would have recognised it too for it was the same tattoo as she had, the one she had gotten when she was 19, just after her mothers death, and it was in the same place too.

"Kate?" Lanie asked slowly, looking over at her friend. All Kate could do was look up at her friend and try compose herself.

"Thanks Lanie" she replied, avoiding her eye as she walked out of the morgue, leaving Castle and Lanie who caught each others eye, both wondering what the hell was going on.

"Kate waited outside for Castle, knowing full well he would want an explanation for what had just happened, and she couldn't give him a truthful one, not yet, not ever. She had never told anybody what she had done as a reckless 19 year old who had just lost her mother. Going off the rails had been an understatement when it came to her but that was in the past and nobody needed to know that. It was her personal business and that's the way she wanted it to stay.

 _She looked at herself in the mirror, disgusted at what she saw staring back at her. Pushing her feelings aside she pulled her hair into a loose bun on top of her head, and pulled her makeup bag towards her. A single tear slid down her face as she started applying too much make-up to her naturally beautiful face. The more make up she applied the less she looked like herself, the less she felt like herself and created a mask to hide behind. Zipping her makeup bag shut she looked at the layers of foundation she had applied, the over the top pink blush she had added to her cheeks and the black smokey eye shadow she had lined her clumped up eyelashes with. Pulling the bobble out of her hair, she let the long locks of brunette fall down way past her shoulders curling slightly as they fell. She left her hair like that, leaving it different to when she would be Kate Beckett, the Kate that wouldn't be seen dead with curly hair, the Kate she wanted to be, not this messed up version. Discarding the slacks she had on, she pulled a simple short black dress over her head, it fitted her perfectly showing off her slim figure. Her slender tanned legs on show, the deep V neck showing off her breasts, she new she looked good. She slid her feet into a pair of 6 inch red stiletto's before squirting herself with some of her favourite perfume, one of the only things she ever treated herself to. It had been her mums favourite and now it was hers. She looked at herself in the mirror, pulled a few strands of hair back into place, checked her teeth were clean before pouting her lips and putting some red lipstick on. Finally ready she grabbed her bag off the bed and left, ready for the night ahead_


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks for the reviews they are really appreciated. Hopefully this chapter will make everything a little bit clearer, and the story will get more interesting soon I promise. I hope you like it, and any comments and criticism is welcome.

Part 2

 _Stumbling through the door she flung her bag on her bed and headed straight to the bathroom for a shower. She needed to wash them off, all of them and forget what she had just done, what she had become. The first thing she did was turn the shower on as hot and fast as it would go, then she turned to the sink. She brushed her teeth numerous amounts of times yet her mouth still didn't feel clean, all she could taste was them. Stepping out of her shoes and dress she stepped into the shower letting the water scold her skin as it ran down her body. She didn't care that it was hot, she didn't care that it burned she needed them gone, she needed to feel something other than them and the burn drew her attention away from that, even if it was just for a matter of minutes. She squeezed a generous amount of her cherry scented shampoo and massaged it into her scalp, thankful for the feeling of her own hands running through her hair rather than there's. After rinsing the shampoo off her head she scrubbed her body top to bottom with a fruity favoured shower gel, but like always once wasn't enough so she did it over and over still not feeling any cleaner than she had before stepping into the shower. Finally giving up she flicked the shower off and wrapped herself in a towel that was on the radiator. After quickly combing through her hair she flung on the first pair of pyjama's she could find and climbed into bed, leaving her wet hair clinging to her back. After tossing and turning a little she settled in a comfy position and that's when the thoughts hit her just like they did every night and she couldn't get them out of her head. And just like every other night the tears soon started making their way down her face and she cried herself to sleep once more._

 _Nightmares haunted her that night just like they always did. Even though they'd differ slightly in the beginning they always finished out in the same way. Tonight she was with one of her regular clients. He was a funny little man at 50 years old, and just over 5ft tall with a bald head, he was odd. Very odd. He came to see her on a weekly basis but he wasn't like the others, he just wanted her to be there for him, help him feel wanted and loved. They'd just talk. He'd pay for the full hour to talk about everything going on in his life from what he'd had for breakfast to how much he hated his wife and she'd listen. It made her feel good about herself, if she couldn't make herself happy at least she could make someone else feel better. In her nightmare tonight he tried to take her away, away from the awful life she was living but they got caught. And that's where it cut off and headed in the direction it always did. This one was her worst. Before he'd arrived she'd been prepped, this guy was paying double to do whatever he wanted with her, and after she'd been hand picked there was no way she was able to get out of it. Waiting in the room she was only too familiar with she fiddled with the bangle that hung off her wrist, something she did when she was anxious. The door bounced off the wall he had opened it that hard and he had slammed it shut again by the time she had risen off the bed to greet him. Saying nothing he pushed her backwards on the bed and put all of his weight onto her. She couldn't breathe. The harshness in his eyes scared her. He slid a finger down her cheek admiring her beautiful face._

 _"Your mine now" he whispered in her earn, with an evil grin on his face. A lump rose in her throat as she swallowed. This was going to be a long hour._

 _..._

The case was getting to her and everyone could see it, yet nobody new why. They still didn't have any important information and any leads they did have all ended up hitting a dead end. Each sat at separate desks they were trying to piece together the victims movements in the hours before she was killed. They had figured out that after school she had gone straight to work, but after that they were still non the wiser as to where she had gone before going back to her apartment. They had a gap of almost an hour as she had finished work at 11 and not returned home until just before midnight, and the restaurant where she worked was only a couple of blocks away. This meant it should have taken her less than ten minutes to get home, not almost an hour. Kate had a bad feeling that she new who the girl had been with in the missing our, but without anything to show for it there was no way she could bring it up, not without arousing suspicion and that wasn't an option.

"Yo, guys I think I got something" Esposito shouted across the precinct, and they all rushed to huddle around his computer. "We were looking at the CCTV around her work and apartment and I realised she'd have time to go a little further afield if she got a cab, so I spread the search to a 10 mile radius and I found this." He clicked play on his computer screen showing the rest of his team footage of her entering an alley alone with no evidence anyone had followed her.

"So where did she do when she as down there?" Kate asked, wondering where he was going with this.

"That's the thing, nobody followed her in, and its just walls and a dead end down there, so then I started looking at the footage from before she went down there, and this guy walked down there 10 minutes before she did, and left 5 minutes after her." He clicked onto a different screen on his computer and showed them all a picture of a tall, stocky Caucasian male entering and then leaving the ally.

Kate instantly recognised they person in to footage, a lump immediately entering her throat. "You guys run his through facial recognition, and try trace the cab she took, me and castle will go show his picture to the parents and work colleges see if they recognise him." She then stood up, and headed towards the lift avoiding making eye contact with anyone and hoping castle was behind her, not daring to look back.

"Hey Beckett, you ok?" Esposito shouted after her, noticing her quick exit, but she was too far away to hear him, though he wasn't sur she'd have replied even if she did. Once they were definitely out of earshot he turned round to his partner. "Ryan, you think something's up with Beckett? she's been acting strange for the past couple of days."

"Yeah, she probably had another row with Castle." Both him and Esposito new about Kate and Castles relationship even though they thought everyone was totally oblivious to the fact that they were sleeping together. They had agreed not to say anything until the happy couple decided to tell them themselves, though with all the eye sex, sly glances and cheeky touches it had been easy for everyone to see what was going on.

"Nah, I don't think that's it, she's being too nice to him" Esposito laughed, they both new what Beckett was like when she was pissed off and this wasn't it, this was something much deeper, much more personal.

"Hey Kate, you ok?" Castle asked grabbing her arm, making her turn around to face him. He new she wasn't ok, he could see it in her eyes, she was scared. He had seen her in bad situations before, in life or death situations but her eyes had never told him what they were telling him now. Something wasn't right, this was deeper, older that anything they had been through together so far, even trying to catch her mothers killer.

"I'm fine" she snapped pulling her arm out of his grip, looking down. "The case is just getting to me that's all."

"Don't lie to ..."He started before she interrupted him

"I'm okay, lets just get this case solved." She told him before turning towards her car, not giving him a chance to say anything else.  
He looked after her for a couple of seconds before admitting defeat and following her.

The car ride was long and tense, Kate sat behind the steering wheel as usual, and Castle gazing out of the window knowing it best not to pressure her anymore. He new she wasn't good at talking about things and the more you pushed the higher and thicker her walls became. He was worried about her, he didn't know what would make her be like this, he new he wasn't the only one who had noticed either. He had heard Esposito calling after her in the precinct even if she hadn't.

She focused on driving, not saying a word as they sped through the streets of Manhattan. She new he was upset and worried but she couldn't talk to him about what was upsetting her, she had never talked about it before and she wanted it to stay that way. Yes, she new this case was affecting her but she had still remained objective so it wasn't affecting her judgement in any way at all. She new that tattoo linked her to the victim, even though she didn't know her so she had kept it off the murder board, nobody needed to see it, least of all castle. She new it was there way of branding her, but it wasn't in the system, and there was no other unsolved murders with that tattoo so it wasn't any help, she had checked before destroying the photo Lanie had given her.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey, Thanks for reading and reviewing, really appreciate your reviews, they let me know that people are reading and enjoying this! If you have any comments or criticisms then please share them with me.**

 **I have already written the next few parts so they will be up in the next few days granted people are still reading this ... Enjoy!**

Part 3

"Ok, I think were finished here, thank you for your time Mr and Mrs fisher were sorry to bother you again." Kate finished as she rose from their couch.

"Its fine detective were sorry we couldn't be of any more help" Mr fisher replied, following her through his house to see her out. He held the door open for her as she left his building, Castle only a step behind.

"Thanks again for your time" She thanked on last time as she walked away from the house. Another dead end on their case, at least the others thought so anyway. She new this man in the picture and she new where to find him. Could she let a murderer go free to keep herself safe? Safe from the memories that had haunted her for so long? Never in her whole police career had she hidden evidence from her colleges but here she was destroying photo's and with-holding information. Now there was two things linking her to the victim, her tattoo and now this man, Karl was his name. It could all only lead to one thing, one place and she new she'd have to investigate it somehow even if it meant going on her own to get the answers she needed. But what then? What happened if she found him, and he admitted it or she needed to bring someone in for questioning how could she explain that to everyone?

Castle had stayed quiet through most of the questioning with the family. He hated this part of the investigation, it made it all feel too real rather than just research and excitement. And then there was Beckett. Ever since they had visited Lanie to get all the information from the post mortem she had been off. And not the usual Beckett off, he could see she was hurting not only in her eyes but her body language and moods too. She wouldn't let him in, she never did but all he wanted to do was help her and be there for her. When he had first started following her, the fact that she was so hard on the outside and soft on the inside was one of the things that had drawn him to her. He could see the emotion driving her, every case as important as the last one but it never made sense until she had told him about her mother. After that he had vowed to help her get justice, and knock down those walls he realised she had built so high they hadn't been touched in the years they had been there. Finally he was getting somewhere, they'd solved her mums case, she'd admitted she had feelings for him and now they were going back up again stronger and higher than before and it hurt that he didn't know why. How could he protect her, be there for her if she didn't let him in? She could handle herself when it came to other people, she didn't need protecting from them, she needed protecting from herself for she was her own worst enemy.

...

Taking a deep breath the rapped on the door in front of her. This wasn't safe. This wasn't sensible. But it had to be done. Hopefully they wouldn't recognise her now, she has grown into herself and become a strong fierce woman unlike the damaged girl they once new. An angry looking man answered the door, and she guessed he was hired muscle. He was well over 6ft with broad shoulders and muscles bigger than she had seen in a long time.

"She one of yours?" she asked without identifying herself. She new people like him wouldn't talk to the cops, so she'd decided to pretend to be the victims older sister who was looking for her. The man who answered the door wasn't the main player in all this but she couldn't let on that she new this, pretending to be oblivious to this way of life was her best bet.

"No!" He grunted, turning to shut the door behind him, but she was too quick for him, sliding her foot in front of it.

"Please, she's my sister I just want to find her, know she is ok" she pleaded with him, trying to make eye contact so he would see the hurt in her eyes. He would never guess it was fake emotions.

"Come with me." He pulled her into the run down building and pushed the door shut behind her. She followed him up the narrow staircase, taking in her surroundings. Nothing had changed since she had been here last and it brought everything back, more real than any of her dreams had ever been.

Before she had realised it she was at the top of the stairs and heading towards his office, the one place she had dreaded more than entering her bedroom when she was in this house. Her breathing was getting heavier no matter how hard she tried to stay calm. It took a lot to relax herself before she was pushed into the office, panicking wouldn't have helped her.

"Wants to find her sister" The man who had taken here in mumbled before leaving the office, most likely waiting outside for her. She waited anxiously for the person sat behind the desk to look, crossing her fingers that he wouldn't recognise her.

When she had left she had just run. Taken as much of his money as she could and got the hell out of there as fast as she could. Granted, she could have just left town anytime through the day and by the time he'd realised she'd have been long gone but with the money he gave her she could barely live off it, never mind start a new life. Seth he was called, though she was pretty sure that was made up so none of his girls could ever be linked back to him. For months she had been scared that he would come after her, take back all the money she had stolen and more but that time never came. She new she was finally free from his grasp but he never left her thoughts, her mind.

"You don't think I could ever forget that face do you?" He smirked when he finally looked at her. She'd been too lost in her thoughts to realise he was looking at her.

"What do you mean?" She stuttered, pissed that he'd made her. "I just want to find my sister" she tried, handing him the picture.

"Don't lie to me" He scowled, throwing the picture aside. "I know who you are detective, and I still remember what you owe me. You really think I'd let you get away with taking all that from me after everything I gave you? No. I always new where you were and who you were."

"Yet you let me be?" She questioned, her confidence coming back a bit. If he'd new where she was all this time surely he wouldn't want her now.

"Your a cop. In this business knowing a cop always comes in handy, and one day I'll need you to help me. And you will, unless you want everyone to know what a dirty whore you once were."

Looking down she backed away from him a little. She had known this was a bad idea, but hadn't managed to talk herself out of it. Nobody new she was here, so if she helped him, here secret would stay safe and nobody would ever know. But that wasn't her, she always followed the rules and brought justice for those who needed it. If she could go up against a senator she could go up against some low life pimp. It was a battle she new she could win but at what cost?

"Hannah Fisher is the girl you found dead. You know who had his way with her, and I'm guessing he went too far this time, we both know what he was capable of and what he liked doing. This will stay between us ... detective ... cause you wouldn't want everyone to know what he did with you now, would you?" He gestured for her to leave, not waiting for a reply.

She turned sharply and ran out as fast as she could, not fast enough that she didn't hear him laughing behind her though. She didn't even reach her car before she sunk to her knees and broke down, tears uncontrollably rolling down her cheeks.

...

"Hey dad, are you okay?" Alexis called as she strode over to her dad who was sat on the sofa looking miserable.

"I'm fine sweetheart" he told her as he pulled her onto his lap for a hug. He new she was too old for this now but he didn't care, he needed it after the few days he's had.

"Detective Beckett upset you again?" she asked pulling away from him slightly. She could see how much her dad cared about her and she had always understood why. Detective was a strong attractive woman and as much as he denied it, she new her father was deeply in love with her. All she seemed to do was upset him. Yeah her dad could be a pain at times but his heart was always in the right place and he didn't deserve to be treated like this especially from someone he'd gone out of his way to help so many times.

"I'm fine darling" he smiled at her unconvincingly. "Something isn't right that's all, and I just can't figure out what."

"Dad, you know if she wanted to tell you she would so this time she must just want to be on her own. But you can't keep chasing her like this, I know you love her and all but its always me and Gram that have to watch you mope about after her. She can't do this to you anymore, it's not fair!"

"But ..." He started but she interrupted.

"No buts dad, you need to let go. Let her go before she hurts you even more." Alexis new she was being harsh on her dad but it needed to be said. Sometimes she felt like she needed to be the parent in their relationship and this was one of those times. She hated seeing her dad sad, and the only thing that upset him these days was her. She's always looked up to detective Beckett and always would, but she needed her to either be a part of her dads life in the way he needed or not at all. She was slowly breaking his heart piece by piece.

 **Please review and let me know what your thinking!**


	4. Chapter 4

Hey guys sorry about the slow update ... I lost everything I had saved and couldn't find any inspiration to write anything interesting. I'm not fully happy with this chapter, but the more I changed it the worse it got.

Next update will probably be in around 10 days as I am away next week, but then hopefully it will all come together a lot more and hopefully be a lot more interesting.

Thanks to everyone that has reviewed, reading them always makes me smile, I hope you enjoy this chapter

...

 **Part 4**

Upon arriving home, she sought to find the only thing that might help her understand what she once saw in that world. What had made her feel like she had wanted or needed to do that. Apart from the memories that came to her at night she had blocked a lot of that part of her life out, only remembering it as and when she needed to. This was the only thing she had kept from that time, the only way she had ever let her true feelings out, her journal. It wasn't as if she had many friends left to turn to, she'd pushed them all away when her mum died, shutting the world out, and it has come back fighting, stronger than she was.

 _I know I haven't written in a while but here I am again, pondering on what is becoming my life and I needed to get everything out. I think I finally find a good job, only to realise its not for me. My mum just died. My dad thinks the world resolves around the bottle of alcohol he holds in his hand. I pushed all my friends away. I have nobody. I have nothing. Some many times in life you hit rough patches but I've never felt this bad about life before, and it sucks. I always thought everything would turn out okay but the further in this hole the harder I'm finding it to get out. My weekly nights are now more frequent and taking someone different home every time always seems like a good idea at the time. It makes me feel like someone cares, that someone is there for my to curl up into and just pretend everything is okay but I know its false feelings. They all just want one thing and I know that, and I shouldn't make myself such an easy target but I can't help it, at last someone finally wants to spend time with me._

 _I had a really random offer tonight, some guy wants me to work for him, having sex with men. I mean I know I've been sleeping around a little but do I really come across as the girl that would do something like that? Wait, who am I kidding, I almost said yes, until I took a rein check and said I'd think about it. What kind of person does this make me? I'm willing to sell myself for sex, just to feel wanted, to feel needed. Hell maybe it wont be that bad, I enjoy sex, I always have and I always will so why not make money out of it?_

She shut the page of her journal, not daring to read any more. She couldn't have been any further away from the reality of what she had been about to get herself into. At the time it seemed like a good idea, making some easy money, working whatever hours she wanted. In reality it turned into a living hell. She had thought it would be easy, coming and going as she pleased but it didn't work out like that, he'd book her clients and tell her when she had to be at work and that was more often than she wanted. Given no choice she was forced to work the hours they wanted her to, sometimes literally dragging her to work and forcing her into some form of lacy underwear in time for her first client. She had tried to fight, tried to refuse but that had only resulted in beatings off her boss and forced sex numerous times off clients she had tried to refuse with no luck. There was many times she had hoped, prayed that her would notice the bruises or stop them forcing her out of the house but he didn't he was too consumed in the bottle stuck to his hand.

This had gone on for a couple of months before she finally gave into what they wanted, and just did as she was told. She didn't want to do it, but it was the only way not to get hurt and to do it on her terms. Then he came, Karl. He was the one she now had nightmares about, it was almost always him hurting her in some way or another, even after she had been forced to lie on her back while someone pounded into her numerous amounts of time. br / br /He was worse that any of the others had ever been, he was sick. After the first night when he had inked her, it hadn't been too bad for the first few weeks, it had just been some kinky bondage stuff, which secretly she had quite enjoyed. She always had enjoyed being tied up, and thrown around the room when it was on her terms and completely safe which this wasn't. But after that it got worse and he was spending longer and longer and longer with her every time he came. It was him that made her realise she had to escape, it was getting dangerous and he was going to get seriously hurt.

...

All night Castle had thought about Kate and what was upsetting her so much, he just wanted to help her, be there for her. He was still thinking about it now, sat in the bull pen waiting for. Ryan and Esposito weren't anywhere to be seen yet, though he new they had stayed rather late the previous night so were probably having a well deserved lie in. Kate on the other hand should have been in 10 minutes ago, and it wasn't like her to be late.

When she did finally show up she looked pretty rough, like she hadn't got much, if not any sleep the night before.

"Hey" she smiled at him, placing a quick kiss on his lips noticing there was barely around as she had come in.

"Morning." He pushed her coffee across the desk to her. "You look like you didn't get any sleep last night?" he questioned as she sat down.

"I didn't" she admitted, before realising what she had said. "Bad dreams" she lied. Well it wasn't a lie really, she was having bad dreams, they were just more in the form of flashbacks while she was awake.

"Oh" he didn't know what else to say, it seemed a little tense between them so he decided to change the subject back to the case and what he had been thinking about while he waited for her. "I was thinking, there was nothing to indicate she was doing any extra work in her financials, so where was all the money going that she earned during her 'night job' as you could call it?"

"Hmm, that's a good question Castle. She wasn't in any debt, there was no signs that she took any drugs, and she had no family or friends that needed her help. Just her parents but we looked into their financials as well and there was nothing on them either." She looked up at the murder board hoping for some inspiration but nothing came to her. This was something she should have seen earlier but she was so wrapped up in her own problems that things like this weren't even crossing her mind. "What about the past few years? Is there anything from what we know that would make her do that sort of work to pay some debt off or something?"

"I don't think Ryan and Espo found anything, they would have told us."

"Any crazy Castle conspiracy theories you want to share? Now would be a good time" she asked, he always had some mad theory and as much as she hated to say it his theories usually lead somewhere.

He sat and thought for a moment "I got nothing. Governments and secret agents don't mix with prostitutes."

"Useless" she laughed causing him to huff at her. "Best think of something cause were seriously stuck." She new the girl had to be putting or paying that money somewhere as from personal experience she new that even though these men were monsters, they never failed to pay their girls on time. So that money had to be going somewhere they just didn't know where.

"Well she didn't pay it into the bank, and she didn't leave it at her apartment so she either spent it, hid it or gave it to someone else. We just have to figure out which."

"Ok so I do have one idea. What if it never left the place she earned it? She must've been working from somewhere cause she wasn't ever seen taking anyone to her apartment so she wasn't working from there on a night." That was it, that must be where the money is, he thought to himself. I am a genius he praised himself silently.

"So if we find out who that guy is, we find out who she worked for, and when we find out who she work for we find her room which is where the money is!" He was brilliant. She never said it out loud for she feared his head wouldn't fit through the door if his ego got any bigger.

"We might able to help with that" Esposito told her as he and Ryan strode straight over to her upon entering the precinct.

"Last night we figured out where we think our mystery man got his tattoo" Ryan passed her an enlarged screen shot of the cctv. In the picture they had circled a tattoo that she had missed on his neck, it hadn't been there when she new him. "This has been drawn up especially for him and there is only one place around here that could do something like that so if he is local that's where he had to have gotten it done."

"You guys go check it out and we'll keep digging" Kate informed them, so after spending all of five minutes in the precinct they headed back out the way they came.

She looked down at the picture in her hand once they had left, he hadn't had that tattoo when she had known him all those years ago. She thought it funny how people and things change over time. Who'd have thought she'd end up being a cop, who was being stalked by a mystery writer. Or that after so long her past mistakes would still be there waiting to trip her up.

Castle looked at her in deep thought, and before she could protest her grabbed her arm and dragged her into the interrogation room which was currently unoccupied, locking the door behind them.

"Castle .. " she began to protest but he shut her up by placing a strong yet gentle kiss on her lips.

"I've been dying to do that for days" he breathed heavily, rubbing both her arms. He didn't want to put his hand anywhere else just in case they started wandering, he didn't trust himself to stop.

"We shou ..." She tried again, but was stopped once more by his lips crashing against hers. This time it was more passionate, and she allowed his hands to start roaming her body as hers did the same to him. "I missed you" she whispered as they stopped for air.

"Me too" he admitted, still breathing heavy from their recent make out session. He'd never known her loosen up like this at work, but he didn't care why he had to admit the risk of them getting seen make it all the more exciting.

"We shouldn't be doing this" She told him, trying to straighten herself up, but it seemed that castle had other ideas. Once minute she was standing in the middle of the room and the next she was pinned up against the door with both her hands being held above her head.

"Don't ... care" he told he in-between kisses. And for once she let go, allowed herself to be directed into doing something she new she shouldn't be doing. She couldn't resist him, and soon enough she was fumbling with the buttons on his shirt, whilst she felt his hands swiftly unbuttoning her jeans.

Both were lost in the moment forgetting about where they were and what was going on, he'd only brought her in here to talk, but that could wait this was more fun. He loved the idea that he was breaking the rules, and leading her to too. Not following instructions was one of his favourite games to play no matter where he was or who it was with. Kate on the other hand was glad of the distraction, and it was the first time in days her mind hadn't been on the case or her old life and she wanted to hold onto that for as long as possible.

 **Thanks for reading (:**


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry about the slow update, even though I did warn everyone last time.**

 **I really appreciate all the hits, favourites, alerts and reviews from each and every single one of you, they really do make me smile. And as I hear people have been recomending this story to others and for that I am really greatful, so thanks!**

 **I have finally decided to name this fic, Girl with a broken halo, which I think should be fitting with what I have planned for this story.**

 **Hope you enjoy this chapter, sorry its a little shorter than usual but the next update shouldn't be too far away, enjoy!**

Part 5

Reality hit them as they left the interrogation room, still looking flustered. For all of 20 minutes they'd both been able to forget about what was going on, pretend that everything was normal. He couldn't help but smirk as they walked back to her desk, he could feel eyes burning on his back, everybody could tell what they had been doing. Kate was oblivious back in her own little world, the one she had been in since the case had started.

Sitting down she brushed her hair out of her face and started flicking through the paperwork on her desk. She was meant to be trying to find any new connections or leads but she couldn't focus on anything in front of her. The minute she had walked past the murder board everything she had managed to clear from her mind when she was with Castle came flooding back. And it hurt. So far he had been the only one who had managed to take her mind off it even if it had only been for 20 minutes, and probably not in the right way.

"You found anything yet?" Castle ask her, pinging an elastic band against the table. It didn't take long for him to get bored.

She sighed, "no not yet, you can go if you like" She told him, secretly hoping he's stay anyway.

"No I'll stay, my mother has got all her acting people round today they want too write their own version of 50 shade of grey" he pulled a stupid face which made her smile. "I can't go home, ever again, well not till they have gone anyway."

"Lucky you" she joked "just wait until she starts rehearsing her lines!"

He cringed at the thought of it "Ugh don't, lets just hope her opening line is something clean."

She laughed, then realised this was the first time she'd smiled and laughed in days, and that made the smile still on her face even bigger. "I should get back to work."

"I think we need to figure out where she might have met this guy, you've been through those files hundreds of times, if there was anything to find you'd have already found it."

"Hundreds of times?" she questioned before shutting the file in front of her.

"Might as well have done" he shrugged.

"So where do you think she met this guy then? I doubt it was at school, maybe at work? he could have been one of her customers?" she suggested.

"Yeah we should check it out?" he questioned.

"C'mon then" she stood up grabbing her coat off the back of her chair "Road trip!"

There was some light conversation in the car as they headed slightly south back towards where the vic had worked and lived, but it soon fizzled out and they sat in a comfortable silence listening to to the quiet radio in the background.

"Dinner at mine tonight?" he asked her, fiddling with his hands, avoiding looking at her. He was hoping she would say yes since she had been in a good mood with him after their previous canoodelings.

"Sure" she smiled, eyes still on the road not noticing he wasn't looking at her.

He wanted, no needed to talk to her, find out what the hell was going on, but first they were going to have an enjoyable dinner, hopefully followed by unbelievable sex. He didn't realise te smile growing on his face as he thought about what the night would bring. He could feel it allready, her lips on his, her soft skin under his hands, her body pressed up against his, skin to skin.

"You okay?" she asked him noticing the growing grin on his face.

"Yeah" he smirked, a little embarassed he had been caught out, knowing by the look on his face she could probably guess what he was thinking about, which she did.

"Dirty thoughts again ey? Who'd have thought that the mere thought of me could turn you on" She grinned having noticed the rather large "thing" poking through the crotch of his trousers.

"Shit" he exclaimed, having not noticed until he looked at where her eyes were fixated. " I ... er... um ... wasn't ... you ..." God, it was a long time since he had been this embarassed. They had barely just started seeing each other and he was allready dreaming about the things he wanted to do to her.

"Tonight Castle" she giggled, before turning to focus on the road again knowing he had little time until they arrived, which meant little time to sort his problem out.

"I hate you sometimes" he moaned, focusing on the problem in hand, pretty much literally.

...

"Wonder where they went?" Esposito asked Ryan as the walked back into the precint having talked to the tattoo company.

"Probably hooking up in the interogation room again" Kevin smiled.

Before heading off they had come back into the precint to see if the other 2 had wanted some dinner picking up on their way back, but they hadn't been able to find them. After being told they had gone into one of the interogation rooms they had gone in search of the pair and ended up seeing something they wish they never had. Castle was all over his boss, clothes were flying everywhere and the windows were steaming up and they had left as fast as they could not wanting to see anymore.

"Don't, I saw things in there I never want to see again" Esposito shuddered. "I'll give her a ring, you go put that up on the murder board." He pulled the phone out of his pocket and dialled her number. "Yo beckett ... Where did you guys go? ... Well we got a name for you, goes by Karl Roberts and he had that tattoo done around 10 years ago ... you what?! ... C'mon Beckett you don't forget to tell us things ... Fine ... " He turned round and looked at Ryan who had a very confused look spread across his face.

"What?" He questioned Esposite the minute he had finished on the phone.

"Beckett knew the vic had the same tattoo as this guy" he pointed to the photo he'd thrown on his desk when they got back in "And says she forgot to tell us, she doesn't forget."

"Thats wierd, she's been acting odd since this started, maybe she knows more than that?"

"But how? If she knows more she has to either know this guy or our vic from somewhere? And she acted the same at the crime scene so it can't be the vic ... "

"So it must be him" Ryan finished for him. "But how?"

"We need to find out" Esposito answered and Ryan nodded in agreement.

...

Having reached the restaurant where the victim worked they were about to enter when her phone rung. "It's Espo" she mouthed as she answered the call.

"Hey Espo ... We figured that the vic had to now this guy from somewhere so we've gone to do some digging ..." She looked over at castle and walked away from him a little bit as she heard what Esposito was telling her down the phone. "Our vic had a tattoo like the one he has, I forgot to tell you ... you heard ... I'm not discussing this now ... You guys can finish up and get an early finish, I'll see you tomorrow." She put the phone down before he had chance to reply. She new it had been wrong of her to keep the tattoo quite, and now it was coming back to bite her. She bit her lip and too a moment for herself before heading back over to castle, not realising she hadnt created enough distance for him to not hear what she was saying.

"You forgot to tell them, or me?" He questioned as she came back over, a look of shock crossing her face.

"Both" she shrugged "these things happen" she tried to explain, knowing from the look on his face he didn't believe a word she was saying. She had planned on giving herself more time to figure out what she was going to say, she hadn't expected to be caught out this early on.

"So she had a tattoo? she just nodded in reply. "What of and where?" he asked, nowing from what she had said and the look on her face it was something worth knowing.

"A butterfly. Its the same as the one he has in the middle of the tattoo on his neck." she tried not to give him too much information then hopefully he wouldn't connect the dots until she was ready to explain. Until she knew what she was going to tell him.

"Why didn't you tell anyone?" He was confused.

"Like I said, I forgot." she lied again, now knowing she wasn't fooling anyone.

"Where was her tattoo?" A thought suddenly dawned on him.

"What does it matter?" she was gettin defensive now,and didn't appreciate the steps he was taking towards her, threatening to invade her personl space.

"Tell me." His voice was till quiet, but she could feel the forcefulness coming through, it was a while since he had spoken to her like this.

"He bikini line" It came out barely louder than a whisper, as she looked down at her feet, not daring to look at him. She new she was busted.

"Like yours?" He asked, but he didn't need to wait for answer before he new it, her face told him everything, as did the single tear that was silently running down the left hand side of her face. He didn't know why she kept things from them, or how she even new them but he could see she needed him, now more than she had ever show him before so he pulled her into his arms, trying to show her everything would be allright. He had seen her uspet when they had investigated her mothers murder, but even then she had put on a brave face, a face she was struggling to put on now.

 **Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed it, please let me know what you think, good or bad I appreciate everything!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey, here's the next part earlier than expected since everyone had to wait so long for the last update, and the next one wont be far off either. Thanks to everyone who is reading, reviewing and following this story, it means a lot.**

 **A bit of a warning on this chapter, things do get a little darker and will do for the next few chapters then there will be a lot more casket fluff etc so I have changed the rating to M.**

Part 6

Instead of going home early as they had been told to do, they had ordered a takeout and carried on digging into their victim and the man they now new as Karl. Nothing new had come up on their victim, however after realising that Karl's real name was Karlos they had found he had previous for ABH and GBH and had spent a number of years in prison. What they were yet to find out however was what linked him or the vic to Beckett.

It just didn't all fit together, a clever young girl who had a secret life as a prostitute, a pimp who had the same tattoo as the girl and somehow one of them new there hard faced boss. A connection that had been kept hush hush, and it must have something to do with the tattoo since that had been the secret she had kept. But why?

"You found anything yet bro?" Esposito asked spinning his chair around to face his partner.

"No nothing" Ryan replied, closing down all the pages he had open on his computer. "Maybe we should just leave it, she'll tell us tomorrow"

"You know what Becketts like man, she don't tell us anything" he sighed, not wanting to admit defeat.

"Then we should respect that she wants her personal life to stay personal, anything we need too no she'll tell us" Ryan argued back.

"Fine." Esposito huffed. "But since were not investigating were going to the Old Haunt for a drink too celebrate finishing early, your buying first round" and with that he instantly got up, not even bothering too close the files on his desk before heading out of the precinct.

"Wha ...Not fair" Ryan tried to argue but before he even had chance too finish what he was saying, he was chasing his partner out of the building.

...

Nothing much had been said between the pair for the rest of the day, both of them just accepting the comfortable silence that lingered. There was so much he wanted to say to her, ask her but new he needed to respect the space she clearly needed. She'd been deep in thought most of the day, accepting his earlier embrace and thanking him silently for letting her have the time she needed to think. Her head was a mess, she never expected any of this to come around again, and never had she thought she would have to tell the people closest to her what she'd done. She was more ashamed of how weak she had been, and what she had let them and more to the point him do to her than what she herself had gotten in to.

 _She sat looking out of her bedroom window rocking backwards and forwards ever so slightly as silent tears ran down her cheeks. Her knees were tucked into her chest and she hugged them tight, trying to protect herself for what she new was coming. For a couple of weeks she had gone through the same routine, going into work, sleeping with every Tom Dick and Harry that showed up but she didn't want to do it anymore. She had tried to tell them she wanted out, and was taken back when they had said no. It had been her choice to start doing this, so it should have been her choice whether she wanted to leave or not but it hadn't panned out like that. She worked for them now, and whatever they wanted they got by whatever means necessary. After trying to argue that she wasn't coming back, her fiery spirit shining through she refused to admit defeat, no matter what they threated her with._ _The previous night she had sat in the exact same place looking out the window, watching to see if they showed up and followed through with their threats, which they had._

 _They stormed into her house, not caring who was there not that it would have mattered anyway as her dad was passed out on the sofa like he was every night at this time. Pushing their way into her bedroom, they had dragged her into their car and forced her into work with a warning they wouldn't be as easy on her next time. Yet here she was, sat looking out of her window again waiting for them to arrive, refusing to give in. As stupid as she new it was, her pride got the better of her and she wasn't going to give in, not this easily anyway. Last night all they had done was drag her into work and told her to get started, and that's what was making her upset whilst she waited, the thought of what she was about to go and do._

 _As they approached her house the minute she saw them out of the window she started shaking, and she couldn't stop no matter how hard she tried. She quickly wiped away the tears that were still rolling down her cheeks, she didn't want them to see her upset and think she was weak. Never in her life had Katherine Beckett been weak and she wasn't going to let that reputation go easily, especially now._

 _Once again they didn't even knock as they barged into her house, it was the same men as the previous day so they headed straight upstairs to her bedroom knowing where they were going now. She looked at them as they pushed her bedroom door open, both heading straight towards her grabbing an arm each and dragging her down the stairs. No matter how much she fought and protested not once did either of them loosen their grip on her arm._

 _"Shut up!" one of them told her, squeezing her arm even tighter, not that she listened._

 _Once they were outside she expected them to just shove her into the car as they had done before but they didn't, they dragged her further down the road to a secluded spot, where the taller, older looking one held her pinned against a tree whilst the other got right up into her face, invading her personal space._

 _"We were told to rough you up, teach you a lesson" he laughed at her before running a finger down one of her cheek. No matter how much squirmed and tried to get away, they overpowered her easily. "But I have a better idea, it'd be a shame to ruin this pretty face of yours like they wanted .. besides, what use would you be up us then" he leered, moving so close to her that their body's were almost touching._

 _He forcefully pushed his lips against hers whilst running his hands over her body, wherever he could reach. His stubble scratched the skin around her mouth and as much as she tried to move her head away to break contact, they had her held too tight. The feel of him against her was making her feel sick, and she could feel the tears welling up in her eyes but she refused to cry, refused to let them see they were getting to her. A momentary lapse in concentration from the one that was holding her down gave her a second to get her hand free, and she was quick enough to slap the guy who had his tongue down her throat. It earned her nothing less than a good punch in the gut, winding her, and she soon found her arms secured again._

 _"Bitch!" he spat at her "you'll pay for that."_

"Beckett ... BECKETT" he tried again, a little louder this time, as she hadn't showed any recognition that she had heard him saying her name.

I took her a minute to realise where she was, and it surprised her to realise they had arrived back at her apartment. "Sorry" she smiled, "I was lost in my own little world them" she told him, trying to shake off the horrible thoughts going through her head.

"You allright?" he finally dared ask her, not expecting the response he got.

"No not really ... but I will be" she told his as she pushed the door open and started climbing out of the car.

"Remember, dinner at mine tonight" he reminded her, knowing she had probably forgotten after the days events and he wasn't surprised when she told him she had.

"I forgot" she smiled "but I'll have a shower then come round" she told his as she pushed the car door shut, not waiting for a reply. She did however stand on the curb and watch as he sped off down the road, and waited until he was out of sight before she headed inside.

It wasn't very often she felt comfortable with anyone, and that was the first time she had held it together recently when thinking about what had happened in the past. Something about him made her feel safe and she just couldn't put her finger on it, but she was going to savour every moment she had with him because as soon as he found out she was sure he wouldn't want anything to do with her.

After having a quick shower and applying a thin layer of make-up she threw on a tank top and some skinny jeans. She let her hair fall over her shoulders, not bothering to dry it figuring it would dry itself by the time she got to Castles. She had to admit she was scared about going over there knowing he would ask things she didn't want to answer. Things she wasn't ready to answer.

She pulled on her jacket then shoes and headed out of her bedroom ready to head to the loft, and it was only as she turned round and saw it lying on her bedside table did she think to take it. She could give him that, tell him to read it at his own risk. Maybe it was too much for him, surely he didn't need all the ins and outs of what she'd done, and had done to her but at least he'd finally know it all. Lying wasn't going to get her anywhere, it was time to tell the truth whether she was ready or not but telling Castle was one thing, she didn't dare even let herself think about what she was going to have to say to the boys tomorrow. She swiftly picked her old journal up and shoved it in her bag before heading out, dreading the night ahead.

...

By the time the guys left the pub, they'd both had one too many and walking in a straight line seemed an impossible task at that moment in time. They'd laughed and joked all night, using the excuse to take their minds off the case but in all honesty it hadn't worked for either of them. Both of them had had their boss on their mind, scared and worried about what was about to come out. Kate Beckett not playing by the rules was unheard of, she was always on the straight keeping them in line as they went.

"I'm worried about Beckett" Kevin sighed as they staggered down the road together, heading in no particular direction.

"Me too bro me too" Javier replied not knowing what else to say. No matter how much they'd avoided the subject it had plagued both of them for the entire night.

"You don't think its anything serious do you?"

"I don't know, but as her partners its our job to find out and protect her."

"Maybe we were looking in the wrong place" Kevin didn't dare look at his partner as she finished his sentence, knowing how protective he was of their boss. "Maybe its her we need to look into."

"Don't you dare!" Javier hissed, pinning his friend up against the wall the were walking past, fist at the ready.

"Hey ... hey .. listen I ... " Kevin tried to talk to his obviously angry partner.

"Don't disrespect her like that" he released his hold on his partner, knowing he hadn't meant anything bad when he had basically said they should investigate her.

"I didn't mean it like that, but what else do we have? And how can we protect her if we don't know what is going on." He answered back a bit on the defensive side.

"I don't like this ... "

"Me neither but we need to help her, we can't let her throw everything away if, Gates finds out she withheld evidence after everything that's happened with her moms case, it'll be the end of her career."

"Maybe your right bro, but we do this on the side ... she never knows, agreed?" He held his hand out to his partner who took it in his, and the handshake held the promise that neither of them would let this go any further, and they'd protect her no matter what.


	7. Chapter 7

**Hey, here's the next part. I did my best trying to write all the emotion in this chapter, but I'm not happy with it and the more I try and change it the worse it seems to get, so I hope I have done it some sort of justice.**

 **Along the way I have been thinking about adding a few fluff chapters in, to try and lighten the story, but I don't know how they would fit in, what does everyone else think?**

 **Anyway, thanks again for anybody that has read this story, I hope you enjoy this :D**

Part 7

Dinner turned out to be quite a strange affair, neither knowing what to say to each other, knowing what was going to come afterwards. He had made a simple chicken dish, in a creamy white wine sauce with rice, which happened to be one of her favourites. The atmosphere wasn't awkward, but it wasn't comfortable either and neither of them could wait until dinner was over so they could finally talk. She needed to get off her chest what she had planned to say, and if she left it too long she new she'd close up again and run away like she always did.

"That was really nice thank you" she told him as she wiped her mouth with the napkin that has been on her knee.

"No problem" he flashed her a smile as he picked up both their plates and took them through to the kitchen, not realising she had followed him through with their empty wine glasses.

She topped up their wine while he loaded their plates into the dishwasher, and she then passed him his glass back, placing a gentle kiss upon his lips. He pulled her in closer, deepening the kiss, wrapping his arms around her. For a moment they both felt at ease, and like everything was okay at that moment in time.

"We need to talk" he sighed pulling away from her a little.

"I know" she barely whispered, leaning her forehead on his. She felt sick to the stomach knowing that she was going to have to go through it all again. But what made her feel even worse was that she was sure she was going to loose him over this.

He took her wine glass out of her hand and gestured for her to follow as he lead them into the living room. Martha was at a rehearsal for a new play she was working on, and Alexis was staying at a friends house so they had the place to themselves. He put both glasses down on the side and sat down on the sofa, so she followed suit and sat down next to him.

"What's going on Kate?" he asked her softly, turning to face her. He could see the panic in her eyes, while she could see the genuine concern in his.

"I ... Erm ... " she looked away breaking his gaze, she was struggling to get the words she wanted to say out. " I did some erm ... bad things when I was younger"

"What things?" he asked her, not so gentle this time. "And how does this tie you to the victim? I can't understand, I can't help if you don't tell me Kate."

"It doesn't tie me to the victim Castle, it ties me to him" she spat the last few words out of her mouth, her hatred for him showing clearly.

"But why?" he tried again, still confused.

"The tattoo she has, he gave her it." she pulled herself away from his even further, staring at her feet. "He gave me mine too."

"You know Karl?" he shouted a little louder than he anticipated, and it didn't go unnoticed that she flinched at the mention of his name. He reached out to grab her hand but she pulled it away. His sympathy, comfort was only going to make this harder than it already was.

"I used to." A tear silently ran down her cheek, her hands started to shake a little. "I used to do what she did" She managed to get out before she completely broke down, tears started streaming down her face as she held her head in her hands.

He was shocked to say the least. All he could see was the woman he cared about so much, the woman he loved breaking down in front of him, sharing things he was pretty sure she's never shared before and he couldn't even bring himself round to tell her everything would be okay.

"I should go" she stood up to leave after getting no response out of him for a few moments, thinking he was disgusted with her. As she walked past him to vacate the loft his hand stretched out and grabbed her wrist.

"Stay" was all he could manage to mutter, but after a few more minutes he managed to compose himself. "You never told me?" he said to her softly, more of a question than a statement. He pulled her back down onto the sofa next to him, pulling her close to him, letting her cry into his shoulder.

She shrugged "I never thought I'd have to, I didn't ever want anyone to know what I was back then. The way I was so broken after my mom died" she told him once her sobs had ceased. She tried to pull away but he held her close not wanting to let go.

"You past makes you the person you are today" he told her, lifting her head up so her eyes met his. "It doesn't change anything you no. I wish you'd told me though, were partners and were meant to trust each other with things like this. But I kind of get why you didn't, but the things we did in the past define who we are today and nobody could ever say anything about that."

She smiled a little. She didn't deserve this, she didn't deserve him. He was being too understanding, she wanted him to tell her how disappointed her was, how he couldn't bear to look at her, touch her. "How can you even look at me knowing what I did?" she asked him.

"Yeah did Kate, we all did things we regret but you just have to move on. I always accepted your past was a grey area, something you never want to talk about, I always new deep down something must have happened. You built this wall up so high I was never going to get through it, not until you were ready to let me knock it down. So I never asked, and I've just waited until you were ready to tell me." He squeezed her hands tightly in his, showing her he was there for her, them placed a kiss on her head. He new he was going to be there for her no matter what. Hell he loved her, and he wanted to scream that from the roof tops, show her just how much he cared about her, and how it didn't matter what she had done in the past because he loved her for who she was now and that's all that mattered. But she wasn't ready to hear that, not yet because if she couldn't love herself, how was she ever going to accept that someone else might love her.

"I'll never be ready" she muttered. She then stood up and headed across the room to her handbag, and pulled out the journal and took it over to him. "Read this, it will tell you everything. I can't. I'm not ready for this, not ready to say it out loud." She held the journal out too him but he pushed it back towards her.

"I want you to tell me ... when your ready" he sighed and looked at her again. "I'm not going to read it. If your not ready for me to know then I'll wait until you are."

"But how? .. why?" she didn't understand why he wouldn't want to know, and a look of confusion spread across her face.

He stood up to so his face was in close proximity to hers. "When your ready we'll talk again." He new she needed time, and she'd always see it as him invading her privacy if he'd read that Journal. Curiosity could have gotten the better of him, and no matter how much he wanted to no know what she had been through, what she had done, he wanted her more. And he new she would never be with someone she thought had betrayed her, and that's what she'd think if he'd read it.

She leaned into him, wrapping her arms around his waist and let the tears fall once more. He held her close, showing her he was there. That he'd always be there.

"Thank you" was all she could manage to mumble as she stayed wrapped in his arms letting all her emotions out. She hadn't expected this, how he'd reacted, and not cared about what she'd done. She's always cared deeply for him, knowing he was a good man, but now she thought a lot more of him for her was the first person to properly stand by her, accept who she was and still be by her side no matter what. He was the most amazing man she had ever met.

...

The boys arrived early at the precinct the following morning, hoping to have some time to do some digging before their boss arrived however they were surprised to find that she was already there, tapping away at her computer. When she looked up and greeted them with a quiet "morning" they noticed how rough she looked. She looked worse than they felt, and that was saying something since they both had pounding headaches and a sick kind of feeling, following the previous nights drinking session.

"Few too many last night?" she tried to joke as they walked past her, groaning about all the noise.

"Maybe just one" Ryan smirked as he sat down at his desk, resting his head in his hands.

"I've not felt like this since I was a teenager" Esposito moaned as he followed suit, sitting down letting his head rest on his desk. They were all in early so they had at least an hour before Gates arrived and told them off for doing no work.

Kate giggled to herself as she carried on with her work, not thinking anything of the fact that they were both in early when they were so very clearly hung over. She could always count on them to make her laugh when she was feeling down, whether it was intentional or not they somehow always managed it.

She hated the fact that she had lied to them, all they had ever done was help her. Ryan saved her life when she nearly fell off the side of the building, and Esposito got suspended for helping her in her vendetta to catch the person behind her moms murder. She couldn't tell them the truth, not yet. After Castle had reacted the way he did, it put her mind a bit more at ease at the thought of telling them, after all they were her friends and if she couldn't rely on her friends to help her through this then who could she rely on?

Her thoughts were interrupted when she felt a hand on her shoulder and saw a coffee cup being placed in front of her.

"Morning" she smiled, happy to see him.

"You left early this morning" he commented lowering his voice so the others couldn't hear him, remembering how he had woken alone after she fell asleep in his arms. He could see red around her eyes, and they were still slightly puffy from all the crying she had done.

"Yeah, I wanted an early start, and I needed some time to think" she smiled at him, reassuring him that she was ok.

The big grins on both their faces didn't go unnoticed by the two detectives they work with.

"Yo, you don't think Castle is the reason she was so upset do you? Espo asked his partner as they continued to watch the pair.

"No .. Castle wouldn't do that would he?"

"I don't know man, I mean she looks awful, but this is the happiest we have seen her in a long time." They had both known what had been happening between their boss and the writer, and while they had tried to keep it a secret it had been pretty obvious. It had been a long time coming, and the pair were both happy for them, but if Castle was the reason she was upset, they'd make him pay. Nobody hurt her. Nobody. "Maybe we need to have a little chat with him, man to man?"

Ryan nodded in agreement, and they waited for him to go into the break room, knowing it wouldn't be long until he needed another coffee fix. In fact he was sure that man ran on caffeine alone, no wonder his brain came up with such wild theories sometimes.

He didn't disappoint them as he went to get him and Kate another coffee just 20 minutes later. They both needed it having spent most of the night talking and knowing she had been up so early meant she can't have had much sleep since he had only managed to cram a few hours in.

"We need to talk"

Castle looked up from what he was doing to see Ryan and Esposito were in the room with him, one of either side. He didn't say anything just gave them a very confused look and put down the mug he had in his hand. He didn't say anything waiting for them to explain why he was cornered in the break room for no apparent reason.

"Beckett. We care about her." Esposito started.

"And we needed to tell you that if you hurt her, we WILL hurt you." Ryan finished, emphasising the hurt.

"Woah .. guys ... Why would I hurt Beckett?" Now he really was confused, the couldn't know, could they?

"We know what's going on ... you can't fool us, were detectives"

"So just remember, we know how too get rid of a body, so it will never, ever be found."

Castle gulped, a lump rising in his throat.

"And we know the most painful ways to kill"

"Lanie would help get rid of any evidence .. anything to protect our girl."

"Consider yourself warned" Ryan finished, and they both left without another word, both wearing a big grin on their faces. Obviously they would never actually kill him, hurt him maybe if he hurt her, but it was fun watching him freeze at the thought of what the pair might do to him.

Castle watched them leave, still shocked at what had just happened. How the hell did they know? And had they really just threatened to kill him? He didn't realise how long he's been stood there until he felt a hand on his arm, and he looked round to see Kate standing next to him with a questioning look on her face.

"What happened to you?" she asked him, oblivious to the fact the boys had previously been in the room with him.

"I .. They .. Me .. Kill ... You ... Hurt .." he managed to muster out, making not very much sense, but from just those few words she new exactly what had happened to him.

"There just a bit protective" she smiled. She had to admit, it was kind of funny seeing Castle shell shocked like this.

"You don't care that they know?" He finally asked her when the shock finally wore off.

"No, not anymore." she smiled, realising that for once she actually didn't care what people thought. She was finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, she could finally see happiness at the end, and that was all that she cared about.

 **Any comments are really appreciated, good or bad (:**


	8. Chapter 8

**Hey, this part is quite short, I got a bit stuck as to where to go next with this but I finally have some ideas now.**

 **Please let me know if your still reading this, and I enjoy knowing peoples views and opinions on what I write, criticism only makes you better.**

 **Enjoy!**

Part 8

They had gotten through the day without anymore trouble, and Castle had forgiven the boys for their little episode in the break room, though not before showing them he was upset, which they just seemed to find funny. The case was still going nowhere and even though they had now identified the person in the picture, they were no closer to being able to locate him. Kate new exactly who would no where to find him, her old pimp, however admitting to Castle what she had been hard enough and she wasn't ready to tell anyone else, or delve into the world she had tried so hard to forget. She doubted they would give Karl up anyway, he gave them too much money for the expense of just one girl, paying way more than he needed to for them to give him the privacy and leniency he required to carry out his activities.

Activities wasn't quite the right word to describe it, as it was so much more than that. The things he had done to her she would never forget, and his face would be planted in her mind for life.

"Castle? can we talk?" she asked him, unaware he was at a very crucial stage on angry birds.

"One sec" he told her, eyes still glued to his phone screen. "Done. What's up?"

She stood up when she finally had his attention, and indicated for him to follow her, so he did and she lead them into the break room, making sure the doors were shut. She didn't want them to be overheard.

"I feel guilty" she told his, as she watched him fiddle with the coffee machine making them both one.

"Why?" He passes her a cup before leaning against the work top taking a sip.

"For not telling the boys" she paused for a minute then carried on "and for not telling them who will know where Karl will be." She sighed then looked at him, hoping for some kind of reassurance.

"You need to tell them" He took her hand in his and gave it a bit of a squeeze. "You don't need to go into details, they'll understand that you don't want to talk about what's going on. There worried about you"

"Was I that obvious?" she gave a half hearted smile.

"Oh yeah" he told her, "now you should go tell them where to find him." He flashed her a quick smile before leaving her alone in the break room to think.

Taking a deep breath she followed him through the door, it was either now or never.

...

It didn't take the boys long to make an arrest after she had told them where to find the pimp. She had made her excuses not to go, and waited back at the precinct for them to return. She didn't want to compromise the case anymore, especially if anybody questioned her more in depth about how she new where the pimp was. The pimp that had only been too glad to tell them where to find Karl.

She had sent castle with them on the arrest knowing only too well he'd want in on it after what this case had done to her. She could tell from his body language he had realised there was more to it than she was telling, and she appreciated that he didn't push her into telling him.

"Katherine" She jumped at the sound of his voice. She hadn't heard it for years, but it wasn't something she was every going to forget. In a matter of seconds she had gone from feeling like the strong detective she was to the frightened teenager she was all those years ago. "As beautiful as ever" he sniggered before being dragged away by very confused detectives Ryan and Esposito.

She could do nothing but stare after him, not knowing what to say or do, and it wasn't until she felt Castles reassuring hand on her shoulder did she start to relax again.

"It'll be ok" he tried to reassure her, but once he had said it he realised it was more to reassure himself than anything. It was killing him to see her so bothered by something.

She didn't say anything, but sighed and rested her head in her hands, the stress of it all getting to her. She couldn't wait for this to be over, put it behind her yet again and pretend once more that it never happened.

"What was that about?" Espo asked when him and Detective Ryan returned from putting Karl in the interview room.

"Nothing .. We doing this?" she asked, standing up, picking all the files she needed to nail Karl. She then proceeded to walk off, not waiting for an answer ready to interrogate the man who was once her own personal bogey man.

"Beckett ... Kate wait!" She heard him calling after her, walking fast to try and keep up the boys hot on his heals.

"What Castle" She turned around to face him, not meeting his eye.

"You should let the boys do this ... your too close" he told her honestly, not caring who heard, there was no way he was letting her go in there with that creep.

"Fine" she huffed. Passing the files over to Kevin she went into the observation room without saying another word to any of them.

Castle followed her in there and the boys went into the interrogation where Karl was sat waiting with a creepy smile on his face. He didn't have anything much to say, replying to all their questions with no comments. No matter how hard they pushed, tried to make a deal they just weren't getting anywhere and he new they only had him on cctv which on its own couldn't prove anything.

"You going to tell us anything?" Esposito asked for one last time standing up, fed up that they weren't getting anywhere.

"Katherine ... Tell Katherine I never forgot her, she was the best I ever had" he laughed before looking away, indicating that that was all her was going to say for now.

Esposito lunged for him, only to be stopped by his partner, and it wasn't long before Kate and Castle were in there helping to drag him out.

"Calm down ... he's not worth it" Kate was trying to say, but she could see that the man she thought of as a brother had heard and understood every word Karl had just said to him, and wanted to hurt him. She wasn't going to let that happen anytime soon, he was not going to risk his career for her.

"What the hell Beckett, who is this guy?" he was furious. Furious at what he had just said, and even more so at the fact his boss, someone he considered family had lied to him.

" I ... He ..." She didn't know what to say, and put on the spot she didn't know what to make up in order to keep it all hush hush.

"Don't even think about lying" he spat back at her, a little louder that necessary.

"He .. He was one of my clients" she told him. Technically she wasn't lying but she wasn't making it obvious as to what sort of client he was.

"Clients?" He questioned back, still angry.

Ryan and Castle both took a step back and watched the exchange between their partners, both knowing it best not to get involved and let it all play out. Whilst Ryan was still confused as to what was going on, Castle was nervous as to what she might say or do at the rather harsh questioning she was suddenly subject to.

"I did was she did" she didn't dare look at him as she said that, knowing he would realise that she was talking out their vic.

"What .. You .. Beckett ... When ... How" he was completely and utterly speechless.

"Don't" she instructed him "Just nail this son of a bitch so I can move on with my life." And with that she strode out of the precinct not caring who, if anyone was following her. She didn't care, she needed to get out of there and clear her head.

The three boys just watched her leave, Castle wanting to follow but didn't know if it was a good idea, Esposito still in shock, and Ryan questioning "So Beckett was a hooker?" which just resulted in him getting a death glare off the two stood with him.


End file.
